Melancholy

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

I am feeling a sense of loss and loneliness after my Camino.

Porto was a lovely spot, but I was restless after day three. Once I moved up to the beach town, Matosinho, I regretted that decision. There was even less to do and see there. I am still coming down from the Camino and beautiful Spain.

However, the food in Matosinho was incredible. There were many excellent restaurants and fantastic seafood. I highly recommend strolling down Rue Dos Heròis De França in the afternoon; the air is smoky from all the outdoor grills full of fresh seafood. It smells incredible! There is one restaurant right after another, and on Sunday afternoons, every single one has a long line of people waiting (so don't go on a Sunday).

But even the food was hard to enjoy on my own. I am missing people.

See? I'm falling into a lonely self-pity. I'm prone to it. It's one of the things I want to work on during this time away from home.

Here are some positive outcomes so far:

I'm becoming comfortable asking for directions and help from people who don't speak my language. I'm also getting better at pantomime, but somehow still forget to grab my phone and use Google Translate.

I can pay with Euro coins without squinting to see their value.

I'm drinking less; less coffee, less water, less alcohol. I'll work on the water, but the others are positive!

My coffee is small, but it's sweet. The suggested sugar pack that always comes with my café con leche (another new addition) tempts me. So I've reverted to a coffee with cream and sugar. But I also always sit and savor it. It doesn't take long to enjoy, and it's much nicer than the Venti to-go cup that I barely taste because I'm always multi-tasking.

As for alcohol, I tend to have one drink with dinner, and since I don't have a bar set up back at my lodging, I don't over-indulge later. I'm sure this is good for me, but I miss the late nights with friends.

I'm trying to celebrate the wins but seem stuck in my old thought loops. It's hard to quit them. I need to loosen my grip on some essential relationships. I have wonderful people in my life, but a few of my relationships have become pretty one-sided. I need to quit trying to force something that others don't want. Some of these relationships are very important to me, so stepping back is scary. But it makes me feel bad when it is so one-sided. At some point, I have to trust that I've done my best to forge a relationship and have faith that the other person will return when the time is right. I admit I am scared it will all just slip away.

I need to give space and trust that it will work out. I believe love doesn't die when a friend or family member gets absorbed in different aspects of their life. I also need to remember that those people in my life can feel neglected by me.

And don't get me wrong, I don't think all relationships are equal or even need equality, but when it makes me feel lonely, angry, sad, or desperate, it's time to re-evaluate.

I hope for my loved ones; it's just some space from me that is needed. I admit I've been holding on pretty tight, yet I also took off to be alone for an extended period. It does occur to me that I may not be the easiest person to have a relationship with either. What does the Taylor Swift song say? "Hi, I'm the problem, it's me," yeah, I feel that.

I hope to be a more attentive friend and not leave those I care about feeling neglected. Relationships can be complex. Each one is unique and requires different amounts of attention and care. They all take work and commitment to keep choosing each other. I will keep choosing to love, but I am also working on loving myself. I will work on practicing new positive thought loops and trusting in my relationships.

Speaking of which, I must acknowledge that I am lucky in family and friends overall. I'm headed to Ireland next and will spend time with some of my favorites. A surefire way to get out of this melancholy!

XOXO,

Bon