The Holidays, endings and beginnings

“The only trust required is to know that when there is one ending there will be another beginning.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I left Vietnam on December 20th, along with Jamie and Mary. I wished I had a ticket to Kansas City with them, but I had one more destination that I had promised myself I would hit.

Honestly, at that moment, I’d have foregone Lapland to be home for Christmas. It’s just that the holidays are still so confusing. In my head, I was making it easier on my kids. But watching Jamie walk through airport security my heart wrenched, hoping my kids don’t resent me for not coming home. It was the first Christmas I’d spent away from my children. It is very backward for it to be my choice and not theirs. I hope I haven’t damaged our relationship. That was the last thing I wanted to do.

I spent Christmas in Frankfurt. A friend from the Camino unexpectedly decided to drive over and spend an early Christmas with me. He was kind, worrying about me being alone on the holiday. He brought a gift, a tiny Christmas tree, and a candle that smelled of Christmas for my hotel room. We enjoyed a night out in Frankfurt, which made it okay when I was alone on Christmas Eve. The kindness of people has been a recurring theme these past few months. It’s always there, but sometimes we must slow down to notice it or even be open to it. Christmas was beautiful in Frankfurt, and the Christmas markets certainly helped put me in the spirit. A couple of days later, I moved on to Helsinki. I was immediately struck by the beauty of the city. The snow and bustling streets carried me through the New Year. There have been so many lonely moments in the past nine months, but the gift of this adventure has been putting loneliness in its place. Every time I begin to get sad, I must admit this is self-imposed. I remember that I have friends and family at home. The greater gift is that I realize the loneliness at home is also self-imposed. It’s all in my control and in my power to change. That being said, as I was texting with friends from home, sending and receiving wishes for 2024, I felt very homesick.

After the New Year, it was on to see another Camino friend in Lapland. She lives in Levi, and I was fulfilling a particular dream of seeing this northern natural wonderland. I simply do not have words to explain my feelings about seeing that beautiful landscape. They call January the Pink Month. The sun rises around noon and sets around 1 pm. It’s a short day, but the sun is on the horizon for a while, giving the sky the most beautiful pink color. Then once it gets really dark, it’s time to find a place devoid of ambient light and look for the aurora borealis. It’s fair to say I stared at the sky in awe almost constantly while in Levi. Ninnu was the perfect hostess showing me all the hot tourist areas and also giving me a glimpse at how the locals live. We hit the slopes, hiked in the wilderness, ate and drank the local favorites, sang karaoke, cheered on hockey teams at the sports bar, and, of course, hit the sauna, just to name a few activities that were squeezed into my time in Lapland.

Now that 2024 is here, it’s time to wind down my grand adventure and head toward home.

I’ve experienced profound ideas and new ways of living. Some I’m incorporating into my life, some were momentary but still impactful. I’m grateful for this time, this adventure, for somehow stirring up the motivation to make it happen. I’m grateful for all that I’ve learned about the world and myself.

I don’t know that “I found myself,” but I found love for myself. I have found the happiness that comes from being content with myself, flaws and all. I realized that I don’t have to be alone. I can bring people into my life whenever I want to; friends are only a phone call or a new experience away.

I found God within me. I spent time with different spiritual philosophies and took something from each. Learning more about other religions has led me back to the spiritual practice of my upbringing. But I firmly believe any of the practices I engaged with would be a worthy way to commune with God. Meeting many different people with different upbringings and beliefs, but also so filled with kindness and love, has given me a deeper yearning to practice my own spirituality. I’m so grateful to have met these people and to have been shown such grace and kindness. I’ve never felt more sure that there are many doorways to the same place of love.

I will return home from this self-imposed exile the same, but maybe more true to myself, if that makes sense? I am anxious to reconnect. I’m anxious to jump back into life with friends and family. I wouldn’t want to change a thing about the last nine months, but I know I’ll never choose to be away from those I love for so long again. I’m grateful for the love and grace people have shown me. I hope I can spend the rest of my days repaying that. I hope to see you all soon.

XOXO,

Bon